Ex-friend's wedding

The other day, my boss told me about the wedding of a former roommate, which he attended this past weekend (my birthday weekend). She and I, and her sister, lived together around 10 years ago, and haven't spoken since. The reasons are murky, even in retrospect, meaning, before I blame her for them, I should probably own up to the fact that I am a relationship moron. Or so it feels, lately. I feel like every relationship I have ever been in, friendship and otherwise, I have fucked up. So, am I sad that we are so distant now that I wasn't invited to her wedding in the same town I live in, or am I pissed that her life is apparently going so well and I keep hearing about it (including that she has bought a beautiful house on a beautiful piece of property)? Is it even possible to be really happy for other people's successes without thinking of the holes in one's own life?

I am unable, lately, to look at the pictures from my own wedding 5 years ago which are in a big Kodak envelope in a desk drawer. Part of it is because there are a few vivid, wonderful close-ups of my grandmother who just died, and she is wearing the white sequined outfit she wore at her funeral. The pictures are a kind of wound and a strange thing to keep after the divorce, but I can't imagine throwing them away. I can't say it was a very happy day, either: torrential rain (the roads were actually flooded), 50 degree temperatures in early June, trucks slamming past the tent where we were saying our vows (because Chris had wanted an outdoor wedding--so we ended up with an outdoor tent). Also I had a terrible, terrible hairstyle inflicted on me by some salon my mom and I went to that morning (they seemed to think we had African-American hair, and put my mom's hair in cornrows which she painstakingly had to rip out in the car as they looked ludicrous). And Chris fell down the wet stairs hard on his back while bringing the speakers to our stereo back out to the car. I imagine, and have always imagined, that other weddings are so much better than mine was, as other marriages are better, and now ex-roommate's wedding is one that I add to that list.

I thought I wanted to say more, but I don't. Let her go on to live her happy or complicated life. Let her be happy--what do I lose if she is? We hurt each other, and life has gone on.

Here is a Navajo poem that was read at Chris' and my wedding (though this is not the same version, but is the closest I can find):

Beauty is before me and Beauty behind me. Above me and below me hovers the beautiful. I am surrounded by beauty, I am immersed in beauty. In my youth I am aware of beauty, and, in old age, I shall walk quietly the beautiful trail. In beauty, it is begun, In beauty, it is ended.